پرسش: زوج‌هایی‌ که تازه با هم آشنا شده اند، چگونه میتوانند با هم از نظر جنسی‌ نزدیک شوند بدون اینکه احساس شرمزدگی بکنند؟

پاسخ: هنگامی که افراد تازه وارد یک رابطه میشوند، آموخته‌های شخصی‌ و کتابیشان را به رابطه میاورند؛ مثلا خاطرات، گمان ها، کمبودها، و تجربیاتی که از روابط پیشینشان دارند (اگر تجربه قبلی‌ داشته باشند). باوری که غالباً وجود دارد این است که هرچیزی که در رابطهٔ قبلی‌ از نظر جنسی‌ کار کرده در این رابطهٔ جدید هم کار خواهد کرد و هرچیزی که کار نکرده به همان اندازه مأیوس کننده یا ناکار خواهد بود (مثلا اگر یک پزیشن جنسی‌ کار کرده حالا با شریک جنسی‌ جدید هم حتما باید همان حس را ایجاد کند). یا اینکه اگر فلان کتاب می‌گوید مردها رفتار جنسی‌ خاصی‌ را دوست دارند و زنها از رفتار دیگری بیزارند، این حتما برای همه همینطور است. 

این آموخته‌های شخصی‌ یا کتابی‌ در برخی‌ موارد درست است، مثلا اینکه اگر خودخواهی کنید و فقط به فکر خودتان باشید رابطهٔ خیلی خوبی‌ نخواهید داشت. این طور مسائل کلی‌ است و تقریبا در تمامی‌ روابط صادق است. اما در موارد دیگر باید دقت کنید که هر رابطه خصوصیات خودش را دارد. برای اینکه نه تنها شما با شخص جدیدی هستید (۵۰ درصد قضیه) بلکه با توجه به نوع رابطه تان خواسته‌ها و ترجیحات خود شما هم ممکن است تغییر کرده باشند. قضیه دیگر این است که اگر فرد مقابل شما خاطره‌ بدی را از شریک جنسی‌ قبلیش برای شما بازگو کند، شما ممکن است احساس کنید که باید خیلی‌ مواظب باشید که آن رفتار یا گفتار را تکرار نکنید و به همین دلیل تن به کارهایی بدهید که واقعاً دوست ندارید. یا اینکه چیزی را که در مورد چیزی که دوست ندارید اعتراضی نکنید که با شخص قبلی‌ مقایسه نشوید. 

به همین دلیل، من همیشه توصیه می‌کنم که پیش از اینکه به فکر رابطهٔ جنسی‌ باشید، حتما مدتی‌ را با هم بگذرانید که با خلق و خوی هم آشنا شوید و در مورد رابطه احساس امنیت کنید. من با زوج‌هایی‌ کار کرده‌ام که مثلا از ترس اینکه فرد مقابل ناراحت نشود موضوعی را در اوائل رابطه پنهان کرده اند یا رابطه‌ای را شکل داده اند که از اول بر اساس چیزی نبوده که دوست داشته اند و این رابطه همینطور به صورت ناخوشایند پیش رفته و به جای رسیده بود که جدایی برای زوج از درست کردن آن رابطهٔ ناخوشایند راحت تر بود. این موضوع بخصوص برای خانم‌ها که معمولا خیلی‌ راحت در مورد نیازها و ترجیحات جنسی‌‌شان صحبت نمیکنند، مهم است. اگر بدانید که چگونه میتوانید در مورد احساسات و خواسته‌هایتان به طور کلی‌ با هم صحبت کنید، صحبت در مورد رابطهٔ جنسی‌ و نیاز‌های دو طرف هم میتواند به راحتی‌ مطرح شود. اگر در این مورد احساس شرمزدگی دارید من حدس میزنم قسمت‌های دیگر رابطه تان هم جای کار دارد.


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How can couples learn to tune in to each other sexually, without feeling embarrassed or self-conscious?

This is a very important question and I would like to answer it addressing two groups of couples: a) Couples in new relationships moving towards establishing a long-term relationship and b) The ones already in a long term relationship ♦

When we first enter a new relationship we will be bringing our past experiences (if any), assumptions, insecurities and so on to this new relationship. A general assumption is that whatever that worked in the previous sexual relationship, will work in this new one too. While this might be true from certain aspects (e.g. listening to each other’s needs will result in better intimacy), it is not the case for everything. I have seen many couples who had a favorite sexual position in one relationship and got disappointed when it did not work as well in their next relationship. Therefore, the best advice I can give couples who are in a new relationship is to spend a few weeks to know each other, experience different settings (movie, restaurant, walking, meeting with friends, etc.) and then move on to the sexual part of the relationship. You first need to build up a trusting relationship so that you can talk to each other about your likes and dislikes when you get into bed. This is especially true for women who tend to be more shy and hold back from telling their partners what turns them on and off and then will end up dissatisfied.

♦Now, let’s suppose that a couple met and established a reasonably satisfying sex life. Starting well is great but does not guarantee a life long sexual satisfaction. We all change over time, physically, emotionally and mentally. These all affect the way we view ourselves as sexual beings. Therefore, it is quite important to be honest all along the way and keep the communication open so that both of you can evolve within the couple relationship. Honesty here means that don’t say something when you don’t believe in it. For example, it is ok to fake an orgasm once in a while but if you do it all the time and after 11 years decide you don’t want to do this any more and suddenly you think: “hang on a minute I deserve a real orgasm” then I am afraid it will be too late. Most partners get this news as a sudden attack on their whole being. Thinking they have been cheated on. Also have in mind that the most dangerous element in long term relationships is drifting apart. This could happen in various fronts (mainly because couples don’t spend quality time with one another) and before they know it they will end up living with a totally different person. This new person will have new sexual needs too which are not known to their partner.

One suggestion is what I mentioned before, pick a date (such as your anniversary or even Valentine’s Day if that is what you celebrate) and go through your wants and preferences with each other and establish a new sex life. In most cases your partner will be grateful for your initiative because they often have things to share with you but they did not know how! Please remember that even before getting to a sexual relationship with someone else it is very important that you know about your own body, sexual preferences and so on so that when you get to a couple’s relationship you can articulate them. For some people, I understand that you might not like exploring your sexual preferences while single, then you need to make sure that you are comfortable with your body so that you can explore and learn about your sexual preferences once you are in your desired relationship.

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Q:How can couples learn to tune in to each other sexually, without feeling embarrassed or self-conscious?

A: This is a very important question and I would like to answer it addressing two groups of couples: a) Couples in new relationships moving towards establishing a long-term relationship and b) The ones already in a long term relationship

♦ When we first enter a new relationship we will be bringing our past experiences (if any), assumptions, insecurities and so on to this new relationship. A general assumption is that whatever that worked in the previous sexual relationship, will work in this new one too. While this might be true from certain aspects (e.g. listening to each other’s needs will result in better intimacy), it is not the case for everything. I have seen many couples who had a favorite sexual position in one relationship and got disappointed when it did not work as well in their next relationship. Therefore, the best advice I can give couples who are in a new relationship is to spend a few weeks to know each other, experience different settings (movie, restaurant, walking, meeting with friends, etc.) and then move on to the sexual part of the relationship. You first need to build up a trusting relationship so that you can talk to each other about your likes and dislikes when you get into bed. This is especially true for women who tend to be more shy and hold back from telling their partners what turns them on and off and then will end up dissatisfied.

♦Now, let’s suppose that a couple met and established a reasonably satisfying sex life. Starting well is great but does not guarantee a life long sexual satisfaction. We all change over time, physically, emotionally and mentally. These all affect the way we view ourselves as sexual beings. Therefore, it is quite important to be honest all along the way and keep the communication open so that both of you can evolve within the couple relationship. Honesty here means that don’t say something when you don’t believe in it. For example, it is ok to fake an orgasm once in a while but if you do it all the time and after 11 years decide you don’t want to do this any more and suddenly you think: “hang on a minute I deserve a real orgasm” then I am afraid it will be too late. Most partners get this news as a sudden attack on their whole being. Thinking they have been cheated on.

Also have in mind that the most dangerous element in long term relationships is drifting apart. This could happen in various fronts (mainly because couples don’t spend quality time with one another) and before they know it they will end up living with a totally different person. This new person will have new sexual needs too which are not known to their partner. One suggestion is what I mentioned in Q 1, pick a date (such as your anniversary or even Valentine’s Day) and go through your wants and preferences with each other and establish a new sex life. In most cases your partner will be grateful for your initiative because they often have things to share with you but they did not know how! Please remember that even before getting to a sexual relationship with someone else it is very important that you know about your own body, sexual preferences and so on so that when you get to a couple’s relationship you can articulate them. For some people, I understand that you might not like exploring your sexual preferences while single, then you need to make sure that you are comfortable with your body so that you can explore and learn about your sexual preferences once you are in your desired relationship.

 

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